-HOW TO IMPROVE COMMUNICATION
Creating a shared space of open expression, transparency and complicity helps couples improve their relationships. It is a place where each can open up to the other without fear of consequences, where mutual feelings are respected and both can develop freely.
When Pedro and Ana -following my suggestion- managed to remain for a while looking each other in the eyes in silence, each one focused on his breathing and his own emotions, the bellicose atmosphere their breathing and their own emotions, the bellicose atmosphere that had been created in my office, as a result of their inability to listen to each other, of the recriminations that one and the other inflicted on each other through their tone of voice and veiled threats, began to dissipate.
It was in this way that they became aware that, over and above the dynamic of grievances and reproaches in which they had become entrenched, living as enemies, making each other suffer, they still loved each other with an affection that continued to give meaning to their coexistence.
What Pedro and Ana were experiencing, Ana were experiencing is something very common in couple relationships. It is very difficult to manage conflicts with acceptance and complicity, and even more difficult to look together for the reason for them and to find a way to solve them a mutually rewarding solution. Avoidance or confrontation are usually the attitudes adopted to face what is experienced as a threat instead of assuming it as a natural experience in any relationship, or even as an opportunity to grow together. This type of behavior has direct repercussions on the way of being and communicating, and necessarily leads to distancing and falling out of love.
Alfredo and Vicente had been living together for four years. They felt in love and had many things in common, but lately they could not understand each other. Alfredo had the impression that Vicente questioned and misinterpreted everything he did or said. Vincent, for his part, said he lived with great anxiety because Alfredo was becoming quieter and more taciturn every day. But after a few sessions, through the technique of «role playing», and after emphasizing that they should imitate not only what the other said, but also how he expressed himself, Alfredo and Vicente clearly perceived two important facts.
The first was that Vincent was unconsciously acting according to a supposed moral authority, which he justified on the grounds that his partner was easily influenced by third parties, and that his intention was to protect him. Alfredo associated this attitude with the one his mother had maintained with him until he was very old, and he reacted just as he had done before her: evasive and hermetic. In turn, Vicente realized that his behavior was a repetition of his father’s behavior towards him all his life, which made him very angry. Both were surprised by the strength that some past experiences had in their relationship. And they also realized a second important fact, that they dialogued in a very intellectual way, with explanations and circumlocutions to address any issue. Correct and polite, but lacking in emotion, with containment, control and a certain affective blockage. This example allows us to understand the influence that the roles imposed by sociocultural patterns and the experiences lived in the spaces where childhood takes place have on couple relationships. In this case, the cold, cerebral and controlling communication they maintained did not give way to a communication dominated by acceptance, empathy and trust. Communication that allows abandonment to the other. This is a difficult goal to achieve, because our character limits and the fear that lies behind them can sometimes determine our personal and couple’s life.
Let’s look at another case. Amparo was 52 years old and felt in crisis. While apparently nothing had changed in her life with Juan, her husband, she was distant, irritated, and irritable.
He attributed this attitude to the changes that women experience at that stage of their lives, because for him «everything was the same as always». But what did «same as always» mean? Twenty-five years of cordial and affectionate cohabitation, but cold and with few shared spaces. In the course of the sessions, we went beyond the «facade» of that relationship that Amparo had defined as «plain, unchanging and static”.
In one of the sessions something happened that marked the turning point in the relationship.
We were discussing some of the work they had done in the psychotherapy session dedicated to dealing with «secrets and the occult» when, suddenly, Juan, with bated breath and moist eyes, said to Amparo: «I have to tell you something that I have never been able to tell you. I don’t know if it was only because of my incapacity, for fear of hurting you, or for both things». Amparo interrupted him: «You have had lovers…». And Juan answered immediately, surprised: «No». And he continued: «I think it’s more serious…. I have loved you and I have been very fond of you, but the truth is that I have never been in love with you. I was with a friend of yours, Ana, the one who went to live in England.
Since then I have not experienced that state again. She didn’t come back, you insinuated yourself, and since I liked you, I let myself go. I knew that if I told you I would lose you, and the strongest thing for me is that I couldn’t tell you, and I didn’t feel capable of losing you…
-Imposed roles and childhood experiences can condition personal and couple life.-
Avoid judgments and labels, and try to connect with each other based on mutual empathy.
After a while of silence and great tension between Amparo and Juan, she approached him trembling, hugged him and said: «Surely I never wanted to know either».
We see how fears on many occasions annul freedom and impede the perception of aspects of reality that can make us feel anguish and enter into conflict. In the case of Amparo and Juan it led them to sustain a fictitious and apparent cohabitation, as if it were a play. Their supposed stability was maintained for most of their lives, without giving them the option to choose something else, to change.
In order to prevent these situations, in the social field, we must claim and put all means in place to establish ecological atmospheres in the family and educational systems that allow children to grow up in sincere and frank relationships, which will enhance human structures with greater capacity for communication and management of reality.
Similarly, within the couple, we must try to maintain open, transparent and complicit dynamics even at the risk of being abandoned or betrayed, seeking help when these dynamics cannot occur, so that couples form a system that fulfills its main objective: to establish a sustainable common space that facilitates the personal development of its members through love.
Or what is the same, in the words of the French philosopher Michael Onfray: a common space through «solidary hedonism”.
-THE KEYS OF DIALOGUE
In order to grow together, couples must be accomplices in the face of conflicts and external challenges, and also in moments of pleasure.
-Meetings in peace and quiet
Share spaces of silence, if possible in nature. In moments of conviviality, leave telephones switched off or in silent mode, even out of sight. In the management of time, we should make time for «empty» meetings, without objectives, that can be filled with spontaneous proposals and of the moment.
-Living without fear
Avoiding judgments and labels, trying to find each other through mutual empathy, connecting with each other, paying attention to each other’s needs to the way each other’s speech affects the other and how it makes them feel. Listen attentively, involving ourselves and asking questions about what we do not understand before getting lost in hasty interpretations. When there is something important to convey that we believe may create a conflict, one possibility is to send a written note beforehand; in this way, we give them time to reflect before starting the conversation.
– Affection as a mediator
Surprises, small details and gifts can act as mediators in the communication between the two of us when we are living a moment of distance and coldness. From time to time, looking into each other’s eyes with affection, side by side, holding hands, without talking, feeling each other, can be a good way to start a dialogue or to dilute the difficulties to have one.
